i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
