someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
