I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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