dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
