Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
