The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
