i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
As shirtless as possible
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
