It's like God shit irony all over that family
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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