i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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