Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
