She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
