____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
