The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
