Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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