Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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