I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My dick has a subreddit
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
