ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
