just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
