Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
