Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
