i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
