There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
