Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize