You're earring is so big in my mouth
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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