I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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