Jerry, you need to find god
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
