so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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