Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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