So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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