i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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