every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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