I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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