At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
