The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
