Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
