only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
