My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
