Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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