You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
