you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
