Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
