Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Randomize
