i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
