Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
