so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
