I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
