I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
