I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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