I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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