Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
