This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
