I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That's how pantless uber rides happen
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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