Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
