i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
