i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
