I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
