I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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