Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
