I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize